I feel much better now. I mean, if even Yoda can't get to grips with predictive txt, what chance do I have?
]]>
Now you know what's going on, or at least the moments they were happening. It doesn't mean that I blame you for all. I am to blame here too. I'm sorry that you feel I spied on you and that I was being deceitful, but I wasn't, I really wasn't. I tried to explain to you in two emails, which I don't know if you read, but they were the truth. I'm sorry that I jumped to the concusion about you and midget, but I explained why that happened, and I hope that's enough.
I read your poem, 'The Busy Little Bee'. You say in your poem that you were wrong and the winds have changed. I hope that when you're in a better place mentally (meaning when all the crap you're going through settles down) you'll see that I am human and that I make mistakes just like anyone else. I hope that you don't mean you were wrong about me as a person or how you felt/feel about me, because even through all of my hurt that I feel, I never thought of you as a mistake or that I was wrong in loving you. I am sorry if you feel like I was a mistake and wrong, because if we never talk again, that would hurt.
You managed to accomplish what you might have set out to do. It hurt. So, that prompted me to respond in kind with a medium that you understand, and that's poetry.
I've never in my life (since elementary/junior high) written a poem, so this is a very rough poem, but it says how I feel.
Interpretation Is Everything
It’s been a long road
Sometimes dark and scary
My heart is barely beating
I feel tired and weary
You think I blame you
But you won't see
I include myself in the fail
It wasn’t just you, it was also me
I wasn’t a spy
Or a thief in the night
I just wanted to know
That you were doing alright
I can’t begin to apologize
For my failure to see
That you were still mending
I thought you forgot all about me
Time went by
Without nary a word
I could only assume
My thoughts were so blurred
I was lost in love
All alone, trying to cope
I made some bad decisions
Trying not to lose hope
Now all hope seems gone
Even though I miss you every day
No matter whether you now hate me
My love will never sway
]]>
Out of anyone in your address book, with whom would you most like to have lunch today?
My current address book? Kay.
My old address book? Penny. Bit hard though, as she now lives and practices in Canada. But I miss her.
Hello Penny!
I am testing the new application for posting to various blogs (including Vox) from an iPhone. Provided by Typepad as a web application called Blog It.
A sense of freedom.
I don't know what's come over me, but I'm ready to let go of you.
After a weekend of exchanging text messages, I think I've finally realized that this dream of happily ever after was just that, a dream.
I asked the question of if you ever loved me or was I just a convenience to you at the right time. Your answer?
"yes, you are an extremely valuable part of my life."
What an interesting response.
Then I thanked you and that was the end of the conversation. I had planned to just leave it at that and remove myself from your life.
The next morning I received a msg of 'Feeling any better today?" My response was "I feel a lot of things, but I'm not just not sure yet whether better is one of them." Then nothing back from you. No care to continue a conversation that didn't somehow benefit you.
Then by my texting you again, the conversation went somewhere from me pointing out you never actually said you loved me, you merely said that I was a valuable part of your life, which could mean many things, then me being an idiot and telling you that my feelings haven't changed. You proceeded to say you were 'spent' and 'I got nothing to give'. Interesting. When I told you that same thing in a previous conversation, you went ballistic on me and said 'fine, then it's over', yet for you to use it is perfectly fine.
For someone who has 'nothing to give', you certainly have a lot to give to Midgetlover, don't you think? From what I read as far as her comments go, you have been obviously giving a lot. Looking at the tagged photos on your myspace, you have given quite a lot. Now I can't see her page so maybe I'm misinterpreting things. Before you accuse me of spying on you through your myspace, it's not like that at all. It was the only way to feel 'connected' to you in the situation we were in. It was a way to see how you were doing without bothering you, because that's what it felt like near the end, was that I was a bother to you. Don't worry, I've deleted your myspace from my list of things to look at, so if you want to set it back to private because you think I'll continue heading there, go ahead.
So, once I actually sat down and reviewed our conversation in it's entirety, I realized something. I realized that maybe we were doomed from the start. You can't seem to have a regular conversation in voice with me, you do everything by either text or email. You can't handle talking about the tough issues. Everything is on your terms, and you don't seem to really take into account that you're not the only one going through rough times. You can't seem to be straightforward and honest about some things, it's always you hiding behind confusing words or simply refusing to engage in a conversation that doesn't help you in some form. You tell me to ask you anything, yet when I do, you never really respond. You send conflicting messages. One day it's you telling me how you are making a 'Fr33k3d' liscence plate (supposedly inspired by me) and calling me every freaking day to telling me that you have nothing to give. Playing with someone's emotions while knowing how they feel about you just isn't right. I'm not suggesting that you do this purposely, I'm just saying that it's confusing and hurtful.
I thought you were safe. I thought I did as much right as I could, maybe I just didn't do enough. I remember the days when you said that you respected me. When you respect someone you are open and honest with them and don't lead them to believe something that isn't true. I just wanted you to be open and honest. I want you to be open and honest every single time I talk to you. I'm not suggesting that I am perfect, not by a long shot, I've made plenty of mistakes with us.
I guess my family and friends were right, you never know what you get when dealing with online people.
But I think I'm finally free to move on with my life. I've come to read what you sent in texts and truly understand that this is just a never ending circle of mixed signals.
While I know I'm not perfect, I loved you. There is no question to that at all, I loved you intensely.
I have been fighting this day for 2 years. It's been a long, hard road, but I think I'm finally accepting that we are never going to be what we were.
It's time for me to grow up and move beyond this fantasy of happily ever after. To grow up and realize that sometimes people say things they just don't mean or just mean in the moment.
I hope one day you realize and understand what you lost in me. I think you have demons of your own to work through. I hope one day you figure it all out. Maybe, just maybe, one day we can be friends again, but for now, I am starting my life fresh and for ME, for no one else. This has been a huge lesson learned for me to put me first and foremost after my children and not fall so hard for someone. That won't ever happen again. I find myself more prepared and stronger. I almost pity the next man in my life, because it's going to be hard work getting inside this heart again. I don't want to say I'm against any future romance, I'm just a hell of a lot more cautious when someone says they 'love' me.
This has been a fantasic learning experience. I've learned more about myself in this past 2 years than I think I ever have. For that, I can honestly say thank you for. The good that has come out of this is knowing that I'm a lot stronger than I ever thought myself to be, and for that I'm proud of myself.
The time has come to take care of me and not worry as much about those around me. While I don't mind helping people, I don't want to risk the possibility of losing myself like I lost myself with you.
I have loved you like I have not loved anyone else. You were truly unique to me and how I thought I could feel about someone. It wasn't like with others where I felt like I was more obssessed with someone than really, truly in love with them. While it hurt more than helped in the past 2 years, it was still an incredible feeling.
I love you, Rich, on that you can count. I don't think that I will ever lose the love I hold in my heart for you, you will forever be a part of me. I wish you could have experienced my love to a greater degree. I will forever hold on to the great memories we did make, and remember that there were many really wonderful moments.
Good luck, Rich.
]]>